There can never be enough.  Never enough.  I can't fight this feeling anymore that there has to be more, more for me, more for me and more for my family and more than what we have right now.  No it can't be all, it can't be all there is, all there is is silence and, and no I refuse to believe that all there is is this emptiness at the end of the day.  Where are the dreams that once fluttered through our minds and where is the childlike faith that anything was possible and the world is our oyster.  Where is the hope?  What happened?  What happened to me?

(https://sarahmarieh.wordpress.com/2014/03/17/sunday-struggles-the-ups-and-downs-of-sunday-night-tv/)

Why do we focus on ourselves until the moment that we snap?  Where do these kinds of feelings of ineptitude and lack of satisfaction come from?  I know that personally, I battle these kinds of feelings on a weekly basis, and until the point that I become too busy to think about it.  I almost feel like as a woman, we always battle these feelings that make us think that our life is not full because we are not busy, or maybe that's just how I see it.  If I am alone with my thoughts for too long, I find that it is a really dark place and that the further I go, the unhappier I become.  And then on top of that, there is this social pressure to be in a relationship or be pursuing a relationship.  Why?  Why on Earth is it that important to constantly be attached to a partner?  I can't be independent and find comfort in friendships?  I know that it is something special when two people find comfort in one another and the relationship blossoms over time, but I haven't found that yet, and to tell you the truth, I'm not really looking...  I'm 19 not 30!  I don't need a man, I would like one, but at this point in my life, i don't need a relationship to keep me together, I would hope that I could do that myself, but then there are days when you wonder, "Would a relationship make me happier?"  NO!  I remind myself; if you are unhappy, a relationship will not make you happier, if anything it will drag you both down! Sure, finding a guy that thinks I'm funny and will go on adventures with me would be wonderful, and I know he's out there, but I need to focus on me before I look for him, and I really believe he should be searching for me. Happiness comes from within, and a lot of times, it is a problem that needs to be handled alone, in order to become stronger.

Sorry for the late night ramble but I had to get it off my chest.

You don't know what sorry is

There is no better way to say this so I am just going to say it like this: I'm sorry.  I am truly, overwhelmingly sorry about how things went.  I can't describe the pool of shame and regret that fills me at this moment.  I am sorry.  I am sorry for how we were, I am sorry for how we are.  I am sorry for the moments that we left speechless and the moments that we should have.  I am sorry.  I am drowning in the words, I cannot even explain.  I am sorry I love you, and I am even more sorry that I hate you, but at this point, the word, "sorry" doesn't even mean anything other than one (and a half) vowels and three consonants.  See, that is the point, directly hit on the nail: it is just a word.  Saying, "sorry" doesn't hold any value to me, it does not mean that things will change or that they have already, it does not mean that time will go back and I will pretend that everything is ok.  The word is nothing but an empty shell, decorated with tears and exaggerated sentiments.  To me, being "sorry" follows with actions that ask for forgiveness and work toward salvaging a relationship.  Please, the next time you say sorry, have more respect for that person to follow through with it.

Mystery sodaperson

Coming back from shopping with my roommate, Maddie, we came across the strangest thing: two (almost) full liters of soda sitting in a Safeway bag outside our door. 

Whoever you are, mystery soda-giver, I just have one question: did you put anything in the diet Pepsi?  

Take the good with the bad

I want to talk about rejection.  There are a lot of people in this world that are ruled by their fear of being rejected, and rightfully so.  However, there are a lot of things that could be worse.  We are, by nature, drawn to others, wanting to be special to someone we find special.  It isn't a crime to find yourself obsessing over a person who you feel a connection to.  The worst part is thinking about that person, on end, every day and not even consciously, it's like they have infiltrated your subconscious and have planted a virus that takes over your hard drive.  The time spent on this person feels like years in a matter of days and this crazy feeling you get that makes you want to bring their name up at any opportunity, ya it sucks.  The giddiness, the gross happy feeling that flutters in your stomach when you see them in person, and you can't help but wonder, do they think about you as much as you think about them?  Of course they don't, but you want to think they do.  We have all been there, we have all hurt from people we trusted, from people we thought we could maybe one day bring home to the family, maybe see a future not to far into the distance.  But it isn't this person that you really are obsessing over, it is your obsession with being with A person.  The idea of having someone to hold you at night, to brush the tears from your cheeks, to tell you that this world doesn't see how beautiful you are, but I do.  It's this dream that ruins relationships because relationships aren't this easy, they are messy and fluctuate at the flip of a switch.  If you can find someone who makes you feel loved, and who sees you for what the world doesn't, honey hang on to them with all your might.  But the real topic is rejection.  There is nothing you can do about rejection, it happens without your consent and often disregarding who you are in general.  The only thing that you can control is yourself, and you are a person who can decide how to handle rejection.  There are two options: 1.) you can obsess, then ultimately blame yourself and hate the other person for making you feel this way or 2.) you can accept that the world is an imperfect place and sometimes you get hurt, but you will survive heartbreak, you will carry on and you will be a stronger and better person because of it.  Feeling strongly for a person and acting on it, that takes courage.  To put yourself out there in a situation that you could potentially be hurt is noble, you believe in something, something that was worth hurting for.  Often times, rejection pushes us into a shell that makes us feel alone and inadequate, but we are not alone and we are not inadequate, we are people searching for something to love that is greater than ourselves.  Who wants to live in a world with billions of people but find themselves only loving one?  Love and be loved, and never look back because the future is the only thing worth striving for.  

Wake up to write

The little things in life keep us going.  I find that sometimes, we lose track of where we are going, of what we are looking for, and of why we are pursuing this path.  I am eighteen years old, too young to make life altering decisions but too old to have decisions made for me.  This is the age for making mistakes and taking risks, risks that I will be too afraid to take when I'm older and never imagined taking a few months ago.  This first semester has taught me a lot about who I am, and who I want to be.    I find that the things that make me happy are the smallest tokens that the day brings me; finding a good song on Spotify, a smile from a stranger, the warmth that hides under my covers and the dreams that wait for me on my pillow.  Most of all, I appreciate the days that are different, the ones that stand out from the days that bleed together and the laughs that fall short and the assignments that take all night and the people whose names and faces blur into one.  A day that stands out, a day that is new and mine for the taking.  Today is all we have, and I am going to cherish every moment.

Little lies

To be in the world is to lie.  To lie about your mistakes and cover up your tracks.  To lie to your loved ones out of pride and fear.  To excuse your lies with lies to yourself-- they don't need to know, it's your responsibility, they'll never find out.  But to know Jesus is to be forgiven.  To know Jesus is to be honest and leave it all to him.  Don't be afraid, I am here.  To not fear is to have faith and those with little faith lie because the truth is deafening.

Accepting reality

I find my mind racing at 100 miles an hour at 1 in the morning.  I look out my window and see the city lights of Tempe, where I have willingly chose to live.  This place where I'm in, I am one of many, but find myself feeling like one of a kind.  I see the girls in there high wasted shorts and boutique blouses, and the boys who coast on long boards, but when I see my reflection in the windows as I pass by, I see nothing.  I don't know who I am, I don't have a clue where I'll be in five years and I think that's ok.  If I were to drop off the face of the earth tomoro and return from the underground that is know as the real world, I would not know these people.  I would know hardship and pain, but also realize that living in bliss is only damaging my strength and passion.  There is only one me, and only one you, so why should we try to be a part of the crowd, where inevitably we lose ourselves.  I want to be me, and I want to do it freely and without censors.  I do not want to compromise my beliefs, I will struggle, and I will fall but I will find myself in places I would never have chosen to venture if not for the detours.  I refuse to fall victim to my own short comings, but fall victim to the hearts of those open to me.  I will cry, I will fail and I will lose hope at times.  But finding my way out of the dark and dreary days will only be more satisfying than days of bliss.  I am not meant to live a happy life.  I am meant to try and fail, to overcome and to learn.  Happiness is not the result of success, it is the distraction that gets us through the day.