Take the good with the bad

I want to talk about rejection.  There are a lot of people in this world that are ruled by their fear of being rejected, and rightfully so.  However, there are a lot of things that could be worse.  We are, by nature, drawn to others, wanting to be special to someone we find special.  It isn't a crime to find yourself obsessing over a person who you feel a connection to.  The worst part is thinking about that person, on end, every day and not even consciously, it's like they have infiltrated your subconscious and have planted a virus that takes over your hard drive.  The time spent on this person feels like years in a matter of days and this crazy feeling you get that makes you want to bring their name up at any opportunity, ya it sucks.  The giddiness, the gross happy feeling that flutters in your stomach when you see them in person, and you can't help but wonder, do they think about you as much as you think about them?  Of course they don't, but you want to think they do.  We have all been there, we have all hurt from people we trusted, from people we thought we could maybe one day bring home to the family, maybe see a future not to far into the distance.  But it isn't this person that you really are obsessing over, it is your obsession with being with A person.  The idea of having someone to hold you at night, to brush the tears from your cheeks, to tell you that this world doesn't see how beautiful you are, but I do.  It's this dream that ruins relationships because relationships aren't this easy, they are messy and fluctuate at the flip of a switch.  If you can find someone who makes you feel loved, and who sees you for what the world doesn't, honey hang on to them with all your might.  But the real topic is rejection.  There is nothing you can do about rejection, it happens without your consent and often disregarding who you are in general.  The only thing that you can control is yourself, and you are a person who can decide how to handle rejection.  There are two options: 1.) you can obsess, then ultimately blame yourself and hate the other person for making you feel this way or 2.) you can accept that the world is an imperfect place and sometimes you get hurt, but you will survive heartbreak, you will carry on and you will be a stronger and better person because of it.  Feeling strongly for a person and acting on it, that takes courage.  To put yourself out there in a situation that you could potentially be hurt is noble, you believe in something, something that was worth hurting for.  Often times, rejection pushes us into a shell that makes us feel alone and inadequate, but we are not alone and we are not inadequate, we are people searching for something to love that is greater than ourselves.  Who wants to live in a world with billions of people but find themselves only loving one?  Love and be loved, and never look back because the future is the only thing worth striving for.  

Wake up to write

The little things in life keep us going.  I find that sometimes, we lose track of where we are going, of what we are looking for, and of why we are pursuing this path.  I am eighteen years old, too young to make life altering decisions but too old to have decisions made for me.  This is the age for making mistakes and taking risks, risks that I will be too afraid to take when I'm older and never imagined taking a few months ago.  This first semester has taught me a lot about who I am, and who I want to be.    I find that the things that make me happy are the smallest tokens that the day brings me; finding a good song on Spotify, a smile from a stranger, the warmth that hides under my covers and the dreams that wait for me on my pillow.  Most of all, I appreciate the days that are different, the ones that stand out from the days that bleed together and the laughs that fall short and the assignments that take all night and the people whose names and faces blur into one.  A day that stands out, a day that is new and mine for the taking.  Today is all we have, and I am going to cherish every moment.

Little lies

To be in the world is to lie.  To lie about your mistakes and cover up your tracks.  To lie to your loved ones out of pride and fear.  To excuse your lies with lies to yourself-- they don't need to know, it's your responsibility, they'll never find out.  But to know Jesus is to be forgiven.  To know Jesus is to be honest and leave it all to him.  Don't be afraid, I am here.  To not fear is to have faith and those with little faith lie because the truth is deafening.

Accepting reality

I find my mind racing at 100 miles an hour at 1 in the morning.  I look out my window and see the city lights of Tempe, where I have willingly chose to live.  This place where I'm in, I am one of many, but find myself feeling like one of a kind.  I see the girls in there high wasted shorts and boutique blouses, and the boys who coast on long boards, but when I see my reflection in the windows as I pass by, I see nothing.  I don't know who I am, I don't have a clue where I'll be in five years and I think that's ok.  If I were to drop off the face of the earth tomoro and return from the underground that is know as the real world, I would not know these people.  I would know hardship and pain, but also realize that living in bliss is only damaging my strength and passion.  There is only one me, and only one you, so why should we try to be a part of the crowd, where inevitably we lose ourselves.  I want to be me, and I want to do it freely and without censors.  I do not want to compromise my beliefs, I will struggle, and I will fall but I will find myself in places I would never have chosen to venture if not for the detours.  I refuse to fall victim to my own short comings, but fall victim to the hearts of those open to me.  I will cry, I will fail and I will lose hope at times.  But finding my way out of the dark and dreary days will only be more satisfying than days of bliss.  I am not meant to live a happy life.  I am meant to try and fail, to overcome and to learn.  Happiness is not the result of success, it is the distraction that gets us through the day.  

The truth about freshman year ~ Part 1

There are many fears that incoming college freshman have as they embark onto their new journey to an unfamiliar place with more strangers than friends.  It can be overwhelming at first, but starting at a place where no one knows your name, or what social group you were a part of in high school, can be a relief. As an incoming college freshman I have a couple questions of my own.  In order to expose the truth behind many of the lingering questions and fears that myself and thousands of other freshman have, I gathered some answers from a couple of reliable sources at my disposal.  

My first interview was with Silvia, a theatre major at the University of Arizona.  Silvia was originally from Portland, Oregon, and in the turn of events, wound up in Tucson Arizona.   

"I moved my senior year of high school, which was a bitch *haha*, and then I wound up going to the U of A, despite all my efforts to get out of Arizona, but then I ended up loving it."  

Silvia had a year of cushioning, she made the transition of being uprooted from her comfort of her hometown a year before she would have to make the transition again in college.  At first, she experienced "a complete culture shock", trying to adapt to Tucson's climate and change of pace from Oregon.  She was prematurely thrown into the same situation she would later face when she became a freshman at the University.  Many students think that going to school in a different state is the answer to finding yourself, or completely cutting ties with the past.  Silvia explained to me that moving to a new city can be really hard, 

"You go through a period of depression for the first 6 months, and you can't really make an honest judgment until a year after you have lived there".  

To anyone reading this article who is venturing into the unknown and going out of state to school, you have to understand that it is completely normal to go through depression, and feeling out of place.  Give yourself some time before you condemn your new home, because you will find the light at the end of the tunnel, you will find friends who you fit in with and the culture will grow on you.  Just remember to have an open mind, and to keep a positive outlook.  If you are not going out of state, and you are worried that you aren't getting far enough away from home, don't get too hung up on it.   The only thing that can hold you back from finding yourself and moving on from the past, is you.  This is a fresh start, even if you are starting over in the same city you grew up in, don't use that as an excuse to hold you back from meeting new people and letting yourself try new things.    

One of her biggest pieces of advice is, 

"Make sure you communicate with your roommate".   

Communication is one of the most important traits to have in your relationship with your roommate, it instills a sense of trust and understanding, and this made Silvia's experience her freshman year an easier transition.  Silvia also accredited her successful experience to the fact that her roommate and her had conflicting schedules.

"The reason that we got along so well was because we had opposite schedules.  We were never really in the room at the same time so it felt like, more or less, you lived alone.  When you live with someone you get on each others' nerves..."   

It is very important to have space in your relationship with your roommate because you are already living is such close quarters.  Time apart from one another gives room to breathe.  It is also very important that if you and your roommate are not exactly best friends, to still be civil with one another.  It is definitely crucial to set up boundaries with your roommate on what you are comfortable with.  For example, I am completely uncomfortable with the thought of my future roommate bringing back guys to our room.  It is one thing if I am not there, but if there are guys sleeping over on weeknights, all hell will break loose!  (If you are reading this future dorm roommate, you have been warned!)  

A lot of freshman worry about "The Freshman Fifteen", well guess what... it's real, and inescapable.  This can not be pin pointed toward being lazy, or all the drinking that happens within the first couple months.  This is more commonly caused by the desire to socialize.  Eating out is a great way to hang out with friends and gaining weight is a group activity.  It is nothing to be ashamed of, but definitely be aware.  If you are very concerned with your body staying in shape, there are ways to trim the freshman fifteen to the freshman three or four.  

"There are healthy alternatives..."

A lot of schools offer meal plans that make it very difficult for the student to eat healthy.  Most student unions are made up of pizzerias and fast food vendors, leaving their consumers feeling groggy and gross afterwards.  It is a struggle to eat healthy, but after talking to Silvia, she explained that there are other options that, although inconvenient, are available.  The best example of a healthier alternative is buying groceries so you can cook in the public kitchens.  This may take more time and be more expensive than using your meal card, but it makes a difference in how your body feels after eating. 

A lot of incoming freshman are wondering, "Is it a good idea to have a job freshman year?  Is it too overwhelming?"  Having a job can be very beneficial, simply for the most obvious reasons: 1.) You will have extra spending money and 2.) You will learn the value of money.  Silvia recommends having a job to "Keep you more facile, it gets you more down to Earth...  It helps to give you the money to use for going out and hanging out with friends."  Having a job does not have to interfere with school work.  It is very easy to coordinate your schedule with your employer if you are honest from the beginning on how many shifts you can take on.  Don't overload your schedule with 4 shifts a week or else school has lost its slot as the main priority in your life.  It is a lot better manage 1-2 shifts a week, giving yourself time to socialize and keep up on your studies.  

Do you still have questions about freshman year?  Part two is on its way, touching the subjects such as dating in college, what kind of work load to expect, and hearing a guys point of view on these subjects.  

Rainy days

The only time Tucson really gets good rainfall is 3 weeks out of the year in July.  During these three weeks, the weather can falter between sunny and clear skies, to downpour that lasts off and on for hours at a time.  For a desert rat such as myself, this kind of habitual adjustment is very difficult.  In fact, if I can, I will avoid driving in the rain at all costs.  Despite the fact that I don't like being in the rain, rainy nights are the most beautiful moments, just listening to the drops on the roof and holding a warm cup of cocoa while watching the lightning flash across the sky.

Cruisin'

There is one way that my family chooses to vacation, and by vacation, I am defining the word-
Vacation: verb; to relax, and get away from the usual routine of daily life in typically an exotic destination (however type of destination is optional).
Now that technicalities are out of the way, my family chooses cruising as a way of vacationing.  This is for several reasons:
1.)  You can always be in a room that is air conditioned and never have to go outside (unless you choose to).
2.) There is a buffet for breakfast, brunch, lunch, and dinner.
3.) 3 course meals of 4 star dining (complimentary-already paid for).
4.) Trivia in the lounge
5.) Movies playing on the deck.
6.) Towel animals that wait for you on your bed until you arrive after dinner
7.) Napping (best sleep happens with the slight rocking of the boat against the waves).
8.) 24 hour ice cream and frozen yogurt.
9.) There is a gym, convenient if you don't want to come back from vacation with a stowaway in you clothes (10-15 pounds gained in a week).
10.) The people- there is never a sober soul on the ship over the age of 18, and no I do know the drinking age is 21;).  What good is a vacation surrounded by stuffy old farts, people go on a cruise to let loose with a drink in both hands and living out the fantasy of having a life at sea.  Well you know, while being pampered with the spa and everything else.  Room service is amazing as well...
If these ten reasons to choose cruising as your next vacation don't convince you, maybe you should rethink your definition of vacation.

new novel excerpt

Introduction
**************
The voices around me were carried away by the wind; silence replacing them.  I looked around the room at strangers, all of whom wore blank stares across their faces.  My heavy breathing seemed to keep a steady rhythm, holding the only sanity I had left in the knowledge that at least I could control my breathing.  In, out, inhale and exhale, yep I was in control.  Everything else was taken away from me though; I was strapped to a platform that held both of my wrists down in a fastened belt, my thighs and torso were strapped down by the same kind of material, but had a strange twist, they would give an electric shock to any sudden movement that escaped my body.  I was helpless, there was no way I could get out of here by myself, but there was nothing to return to anyhow.  All my family, my mother, father, and daughter had all been murdered.  My baby girl, Carrie, never had a chance in this world, she never got to take her first steps, say her first word, all because I couldn't protect her.  I could feel the aching in my left temple return, and the sobs in the back of my throat were contracting again.


Chapter 1
The air always feels thinner on the top of a mountain.  As I walk across the rickety bridge, the urge to look down consumes me; my eyes flicker and the rushing water under my feet stares back at me.  If I were to drop from this height, I would not die on impact, but the current would surely drown me.  I can't hesitate, I need to cross and as steadily as possible.  There is nothing else in this world that calms me the way that hiking does.  When I am on the trail, I am alone, and I am at peace, separated from anything that distracts me from my free thoughts.  I look forward to the journey ahead, a little risk here and there and ultimately, the serenity that fills me when I can look back at the progress I made, the hours that led to my destination.  It isn't that I hate being around people, quite the opposite, but being in my own place, where I can let myself wonder, mentally and physically, is something I would not trade for the world.  It is something that keeps me sane, to step away from the world and discover myself, the different parts that are shadowed by bills, and work and everything else that makes up everyday life.  As I inch closer to the safety of the end of the bridge, a weight lifts off of my chest, and I can breathe again.  I feel the shuffle of the dirt under my sneakers, and push off the bridge with the feeling that I conquered yet another fear, and am moving on with my life.

***************
The rest of the hike was uneventful, the sky transformed before my eyes, and the wind carried all noise away from me to other horizons.  I finished the trail with the satisfaction that always reaches me at the end, giving me motivation to come back next time, trying another path.  I find the parking lot and edge into my car, feeling the blazing heat emitting from the leather seats.  I begin driving down the street when it finally catches my attention; a bright pink sticky note is hanging from the dashboard.  I grab the note, feeling a sudden pang in my chest, realizing that someone had broken into my car.  The sticky note is blank, I don't understand why someone would just leave this here.  I flip the note over and I see a silhouette of a bird sketched on it, the bird was holding something in it's beak, maybe a scroll, I couldn't make out the faded object.  I ran my fingers over the sketch absentmindedly, tracing the carefully traced outline.  Then, it hit me.  I realized what was off about the sketch, it wasn't a sketch at all, it was a stamp, and not just any stamp, it looked like some sort of family crest.

The car ride home was almost a dream, everything was a blur and I could barely remember how I got home.  All my mind could focus on was that little pink note.  Why would someone break into my car, leave everything, and leave me this blurred picture.  It had to be some kind of prank, did I remember to lock the car when I started my hike?  Yes of course I did, but how did they get in, without setting the alarm off?  I certainly am not educated on the science of lock picking or car jacking, but I feel like there should be some evidence of damage.  What was even the point of leaving a note, was it to freak me out so I would be paranoid all day, because it was working.  When I finally pulled into the driveway, I was so distracted that I didn't even notice the front door was wide open until I walked up the porch steps and heard an earsplitting chirping noise.

A thousand splendid suns

This book changed my views on the Middle East and how women are treated.  Before I read this book, I had an idea of what life was like in middle east, but I did not have any sympathy for the people there.  Reading this novel about a two women who endure the oppression during the Taliban Regime opened my eyes to the true brutality that their society entailed.  Sharia law completely dehumanized these women and it is despicable how the women are not protected by the law from domestic violence.

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Guardian Angel

A firefly, whose luminescence shatters the darkest of nights

In the deepest of despairs, you find me.

Guardian who watches over my travels

…………………..

As the things around me spin out of control

I feel the calmness flow through my body

The chaos does not deter you from my side

You shelter me from the harm that awaits

Blinding headlights beam through my windshield

In an instant the wheel is turned and my eyes are opened

You were there.  I saw your hand infront of me.  

Beautiful, magnificent!  

Mercy and grace follows the path you lead.

You are a soldier, fighting for my soul

You are a protector who braces for battle.

Your wings move swift in flight

Evil cannot sway you.

You are the embodiment of all things good

The purity within shines through your halo.

Angel of the night

Angel of the day

Angel who watches over me.

I feel the warm embrace

Like the sunshine

You light up my world

And follow me into the darkest parts of this world

I know you wade above me

Every threat averted by your grace

My guardian

My protector

My angel.  

Nature within

Angela's journey

Angela was young and beautiful, in a world that did not see her for who she truly was.  She wandered through the days as if she did not have something important waiting for her; destiny.  Every day dragged on for as she found herself digging a deeper hole, trying to hide behind books and excuses instead of allowing people into her life, because of her fear of rejection.  To Angela, it was better to choose rejection instead of experience it.  She wanted to be in control of how people saw her, and she settled for invisible.  She had so much to offer, her kindness and gentle nature was a gift that she never appreciated or used to benefit those around her.  After years of destitution, she found herself in the middle of a car accident.  She was driving home from school, it was a rougher day than usual, where she couldn't find sanctuary behind her books, and she felt the pang of her classmates judgement.  She hadn't noticed in a long time how they saw her, a reclusive antisocial loner.  The first time she ever bothered to look up, the world looked so dismal.  On her way home, she let go of her grip on life, she felt the car swerving out of her control, and the beaming headlights casting on her face.  She thought she was ready.  She thought that this was the moment she would be set free.  A honk was the last thing she heard before the lights went out.  Hours passed expendably to the rest of the world, but these couple hours were the defining moment of Angela's life.  She was weightless, her body no longer holding her back, but she was not free, she was still watching the world from where she left it.  Her parents were keeled over in the waiting room chairs, shaking with sobs that were uncontrollably terrorizing their bodies.  The room where her body lay was lit with florescent lighting that made her seem lifeless, frozen almost.  She heard a voice coming from behind her; it was a man's voice.
"Why can't you see?  Why do you not realize that you are beautiful."  The man's voice did not cast a body, but was appearing from thin air.
"Why am I here?  I thought it would all be over!  I thought that I could finally disappear..."  Her voice was trembling with tears choked back.
"You are not ready.  You're part of something bigger than yourself.  I want you to take back the life you lost, and use it for something that will change lives, because you, my dear, are not expendable, you my dear, you are loved, and you have something to offer, if you would let yourself be loved."  With a shaky breath, the weight of her body pulled her into the bed, and once again, an inescapable darkness consumed her vision.  Three days later, she awoke will tears on her face.  They weren't her's.  Surrounding her were the faces of classmates, family members and strangers.  Her head was dizzy and her vision slightly blurred, but she could still make out those around her if she squinted.  Her heart filled with warmth as she saw the smiles welcoming her back, feeling for the first time since she could remember, that she was not invisible.  I would love to say that after her recovery, she became a new person who appreciated life and made friends and let love in.  Yes, over time this did happen, but she was weary of change and faced obstacles on her way to finding herself, and loving who she was.  She struggled with depression for a long time, but this time she knew she was stronger.  She had the support and help of her parents, and through her experience, she could relate to others with similar experiences, and found comfort knowing that she was not alone.  She found Jesus on a Wednesday night when one of her friends took her to youth group and at that moment she realized who she had talked to during her out of body experience; Jesus.  She started giving her testimony at services in all parts of the country, giving talks to young teens about depression, and about the value of life.  Our life is not our own, and if we treat it that way, we will find all our efforts to be fleeting.  Our mission while we are here on Earth is to make a difference, to touch as many hearts as we can, to love as many people that we come across, and to serve a higher purpose, the one that God inspires us to pursue.

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held in your arms

Innocence holds us in her arms
Up high above the world
A shadow is casted on all the harms
So we will only see the clouds

Her embrace begins to suffocate us
Break free of her grasp and feel the ground
The world is reborn through our new eyes
But the clouds are gone.

Cold and dark, it waits to strike
The hurt, the pain and all the suffering
Waiting there, He's been waiting for me.

She watches me drift away from her
Carried away like a distant memory
With her she took our dreams
She stole our invincibility
And returned us with harsh reality

animal identities

            The best way to get to know someone is to ask them simple questions, but really dig into their answers. I am conducting a study to see if you can generally understand a person by their answer to the question,"if you were an animal, what animal would you be?"
           This question is very basic on the surface, something that we have all had some kind of discussion over with friends or colleagues as a joking matter.  However, subconsciously, I believe that there is a deeper reasoning behind the answer to this question.  Also, I am hypothesizing that there is a direct correlation to an individual's self esteem and the answer of this question.
          After asking some of my coworkers this question, I have noticed a pattern to their responses;  they will either answer with a common animal,  or they will come up with an exotic animal.  After I asked each person, "Why do you feel you are a ____?" I am always suprised by their reason behind it.
One of my coworkers answered, "I would be a black panther, because I am really sneaky, very independent, and kind of sexual".  The answer may have been a little vague, but behind it you can annotate this response to pull out the more raw material: the person is a girl, so she chose a feline because it is the most commonly related animal to a woman, so the individual is very feminine and proud of it (true, she is in a sorority).  Secondly, her acknowledgment of her 'sneaky' behavior indicates that she is more reserved and likes to assess the situation before she acts.  Lastly, her last remark about her 'sexual' behavior not only supports the feminine aspect that controls her actions, but also her ability to use her sexual appeal to manipulate others around her, and understand the power that she has because of it.  Like a cat, she desires to be feared and respected, but also adored for her natural beauty.
     When I asked myself that question, I came to the conclusion that I am a chipmunk.  Behind my answer is a self analysis waiting to be decoded, and here it is:  I love to have people give me attention, but in away that is adoring, not undressing.  I am innocent, and like to be alone, separated from the rest of the world at times, up in a "tree" is translated as lost in a book where I am left unbothered.  So when you ask someone this question, it can be in a funny atmosphere, or serious, there are so many layers to each individual, and it is your job as a person to uncover the strangers around you for who they really are.

Review on Frozen

You know that a movie is amazing when you walk into the theatre, and the seats are full 2 months after its release date.  I fell in love with the characters in the movie, "Frozen", after seeing it with my best friend and my cousin.  Now I know what you all might be thinking, "That's a movie for children," "I don't like animated movies".  Well, to all of responses I simply advocate that you give Frozen a chance.

Despite its appeal to younger generations, the movie does an admirable job relating to older audiences; there are several layers to the characters that portray the real pain that sisters Anna and Elsa both experience from opposite sides of the spectrum.  While Anna lives a lonely life, ignored and casted away by her sister, she still holds onto the fond memory she shared with Elsa when they were children; the song "Do you want to build a snowman" was upbeat and on the surface shallow, but if you look deeper into the tone and emotion of the song, you can uncover the truth behind the lyrics.  The only real memory Anna has with her sister is of building a snowman, and it may seem like a simple activity, but to Anna it represents her entire relationship with Elsa.  Anna holds onto this for years, hoping that one day her sister and her can rebuild their relationship from the bottom up.

Elsa faces her own struggle in containing her "inner storm"; this struggle is not something she can hide forever, and her loose grip over control of her problem causes her to be exiled into the mountains, where ironically, she has never felt more free.  Elsa's character has faced an entire life feeling like a threat to everyone she loves, as well as her own worst nightmare.  Although it is not really clear if she is the antagonist in the story, I felt that she could have easily been the protagonist.  Her part in the story was all about the theme: person vs. self.  She was born with the gift of magic, until it grew into a curse, and it was up to her to get a grip on her abilities.  I connected the most with her character because she is just like any other girl, (except for the whole ice powers thing), she just wanted to make her parents proud, and be the "good girl" she was always meant to be.  All that pressure was soon to need release at some point, and who else can help tip the iceberg besides a sister?  Am I right?  Anna triggers Elsa's downfall, (although this is not a tragedy, and disney never fails when it comes to providing a happy ending),  the animosity between the sisters can only be poetic for every relationship between siblings.  

Overall, I believe this movie was one of Disney's finest, and I couldn't help but see it twice in theaters.  I definitely recommend anyone of all ages and backgrounds to enjoy the film, definitely bring your family!